Learning and Reflections from "the 3rd Alternative" - no, its not a science friction movie :)

When I was returning from my church service with my daughter last Sunday (it was raining cats and dogs), I slipped and fell. Hurt my right ankle badly and will be bedridden at least for the next one week. Besides clearing my office emails on my iPad daily, I decided to spend this 'enforced rest" on my neglected books. All my books were so excited because they finally got my attention! Wondering whether my fall was staged by them…hmmm

I’ve enjoyed everything I have read by the late Dr. Stephen Covey (1932 - 2012), and this book was no exception. I was given this book last week during a seminar specially conducted for facilitators of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People signature programme. (Yes, I'm a certified 7 Habits facilitator) If you are familiar with the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People then you might think this book is just a rework and elaboration of habit 6, synergize, but it’s really much more than that.

Here is a short summary of what the book is all about.

Rather than my way or your way, Covey argues for a third way around any given situation. "The 3rd alternative" is conflict resolution technique that can "apply equally well to a playground, a battlefield, a boardroom, a legislative chamber, or a family kitchen." It isn't compromise per se, Covey says, since everyone loses something by compromising. Instead, the 3rd alternative offers a significantly better answer—synergy, i.e. "what happens when one plus one equals ten or a hundred or even a thousand!" Synergy can and has been used in the past at work and at home, in classrooms, cities, and the world at large. Covey describes, for example, the collaboration in recent decades among activists, politicians, property owners, and city planners to rejuvenate New York's Times Square. While synergy may not be an entirely new concept, the enthusiasm and urgency with which Covey introduces and explains it gives this volume its substance. 

Source: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/3rd-alternative-stephen-r-covey/1100574515

Some of my key takeaways and insights from this book.

The book has lots of examples, case studies and stories on how people successfully found better alternatives to overcome their challenges. Frankly, I did not go through all of them. Too many, so I was selective with what I wanted to read. This book describes how one can empower members of families, communities, and nations to reduce and/or eliminate conflict, achieve self-fulfillment and happiness, and experience peace. The various stories and case studies presented were interesting and effective in communicating how one can revolutionise society by changing one's paradigm of how individuals can be valued, treated, and heard.

One of the key concepts of this book is 'HEART" (sounds like my organisation's values). Until we understand people's hearts, not just their minds and ideologies, nothing can happen. That's why it's absolutely essential to create opportunities for people to listen to each other with the heart, mind, and spirit." (p. 402)

Please note that I read many case studies and stories in this book (selectively) and these were some of the concepts, thinking, principles, ideas and ideologies that resonated with me. You may pick up or focus on different things if you read it.

About creating 3rd alternative family (pp. 159-172)

"If you want to improve your marriage, look in the mirror."

(Jim's reflection: Yes, it is always easy to blame or shift the responsibilities to your spouse. You cannot change others, you can only change yourself. So, if you want a better marriage, you have to start asking "What can I do to make it better?")

"Love is not just a feeling for someone; it is also the willingness to see her as a person in her own right."

"I enter marriage or parenthood with my idea of what I want to be like. I have expectations of family members. But it's a great mistake to impose my ideas and expectations on them. If I love them, I will see them first as individuals and then seek to understand their differences. To reduce loved ones to my idea of what they should be is to turn them into things. And people are not things."

"Don't try to make your spouse better; try to make him or her happy. We have the tendency to want our spouses to be more like us, as if our way were better way. That never works, and it disregards the unique gifts they bring to the marriage. Instead of trying to make them over into your own image, appreciate their differences, run with them, and put your efforts into trying to make them happy."

(Jim's reflections: Totally agree with these lines. I told myself this many years back. I will not try to change my wife (although she is trying everyday to change me) I will just focus on making her the happiest Mrs. Jimmy Lee everyday!)

"Most family conflicts are identity conflicts. If my self-worth is threatened, I respond by attacking the self-worth of others; this response is a way of compensating for our deep vulnerabilities. If I want a happy marriage, I will choose to design my identity, choose my roles, be a kind of person that generates positive energy, be more understanding, empathetic, consistent and a loving parent. I will determine the destiny of my family."

"Our children are not little robots just waiting to be programmed by their parents. Every child is unique. Note down all their strengths and acknowledged them. Tell them because people are often aware of their weaknesses but not their strengths."

(Jim's reflections: That was exactly my intentions when I drew these 2 mind maps in 2009 for both my girls and hung them in their bedroom. I just wanted both my girls to know that they have wonderful strengths that both daddy and mommy appreciate.)

Wisdom from the great cellist Pablo Casals:

"What do we teach our children? We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France. When will we also teach them what they are?

We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move.

You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel?

You must work, we must all work, to make the world worthy of its children."

Pablo Casals (1876-1973)

Spanish Cellist

In all Covey's teachings, he focuses on the principle of inside out.  The 'Inside-Out' approach to personal and interpersonal effectiveness means to start first with self; even more fundamentally, to start with the most inside part of self - with your paradigms, your character, and your motives.

The inside-out approach says that private victories precede public victories, that making and keeping promises to ourselves precedes making and keeping promises to others.  The principle of an inside out approach also says that it is futile to put personality ahead of character, to try to improve relationships with others before improving ourselves. Basically you need to master yourself before you can work well with others.

In the ‘me-first’, ‘win-at-all-cost’, ‘grab-all-the-money-you-can’ kind of culture we live in today, what is needed more now than ever is a dose of common sense, back-to-basics thinking—a commitment to tried-and-true principles. In this book, Covey shared with us in the last few pages 20 things we can do to develop inner character strength so that we can become a more effective person that can make a difference to the people and community you are in. I found these tips useful and relevant. When I practice these tips, I find myself happier and more effective in achieving my personal mission & vision. I hope you will find some of these tips useful. (pp. 437-438)

20 things we can do to develop inner character strength so that we can become a more effective person

1. Beware of pride. Let go of needing always to be "right".

2. Learn to say I'm sorry. Do it quickly once you realise you have fallen short or hurt someone. Be sincere and don't hold back. And you don't go just half way. Apologise fully, take responsibility, and express your desire to understand.

3. Be quick to forget and forgive. Remember, you choose whether or not to be offended. If you feel offended, let it go.

4. Make and keep very small promises to yourself and others. Your own integrity will become your greatest source of security and strength.

5. Spend time in nature. Create space in your life everyday for reflection and appreciate the world around you. Nurture not just your mind but also your soul.

6. Read widely it's one of the best ways to make mental connections and get insights that can lead you to become a better person. Yes, that's what I'm doing now :) I'm also sharing this with all of you because I believe that when I share, I learn better and deeper.

7. Exercise often, every day if possible; and eat healthy food, with balance and moderation. The body is the instrument of the mind and spirit. Common sense but not common practice. I'm guilty too!

8. Get enough sleep, at least 7 to 8 hours daily. Science tells us that the brain grows new connections during sleep, which is why we often awake with sparkling new ideas. You will be more able to give the emotional, mental, and spiritual energy needed to become an effective person when you have enough sleep.

9. Study inspiring literature. Ponder and reflect deeply on these inspiring literature, insights will come. Yes, this works. I have been doing this for many years and I made me a more insightful person over time. try it!

10. Make quiet time for yourself to think through creative 3rd alternative solutions to your challenges. In fact, make quiet time for yourself to think about your life, future and contributions.

11. Express love and appreciation to those with whom you associate. Devote time to learn about the people around you. What is important to them? What is their story? I always believe that the quality of our lives can be determined by the quality of the relationships around us.

12. You have two ears and one mouth: use them proportionately.

13. Practice being generous with others -- with your time, your heart, your forgiveness, and your affirmation. Be generous in sharing your resources with those in need. Have an abundant mindset. Be generous with and forgive yourself. We all have weaknesses.

14. Avoid comparing yourself to others. You have your own journey and you are unique. I know god has a path laid for me, I will just follow.

15. Be grateful. Express it.

16. Learn to become enthusiastically relentless about discovering how to create great wins for others - wins that increased their peace, their happiness, and their prosperity. Help others to win!

17. When things aren't going well, take a break, take a walk around the block, get a good nights sleep, and come back at it with the freshness and perspective of a new day.

18. If you truly can't reach win-win, remember that "no deal" in some cases it's the best alternative.

19. When it comes to other people, their reactions, their weaknesses, and peculiarities, just smile a lot.And when this comes to your own children, remind yourself, "This, too, shall pass."

20. Never stop believing in the possibility that there is a better way than your way or my way.

Well, there you have it. I hope my reflections and sharing in this long blog entry useful. I would strongly encourage your to read this book if you have the opportunity and time to do so.

Until my next sharing, take care and god bless.

Jim