Perception and Reality

A few years ago I attended a Halloween party at the home of some friends. One of the guests, a man dressed in a sheik-style costume, with a commedia dell'arte mask, approached me (I am a female) and struck up a conversation. His voice was musical and magical; and all I could see of his face was his
square and strong jawline beneath his mask. He was witty, intelligent, charming. My heart fluttered.

After the party, I inquired of one of the hosts: who was that masked man? Iwas told that he was gay and had AIDS. My heart sank.

Yet there had been great rapport, so I sought him out and offered a hand of friendship, which was accepted. I am a writer, mostly for the stage and he is a costume and set designer for many major theatres in Canada; we had an instant bond. Our friendship grew slowly and we became closer. One other friend warned me of my involvement with this man, noting, "this could break your heart or kill you, literally." I noted his warning and maintained my friendship with this rare and special man.

After a couple of years had passed, and I had very correctly (I thought) never raised the subject of his AIDS, for that would be rude and make it too real, we had a lovely dinner together one night. Because he was having surgery two days later and because I was going to be responsible for getting him to the hospital and collecting him, and caring for him his first night home (he lives alone and so do I, so we protect one another), I said to him, "Tom (not his real name), may I ask you something terribly personal? If you don't want to answer, just say so." "Fire away," he said in a goofy English accent. "At what stage is your AIDS?" "I don't have AIDS, my dear," he said. I was stunned, angry and joyful all at once.

He then told me that it was a common mistake. He is very thin (heredity) and is stricken with asthma, which does make him ill at times (I knew about this, but did not realize how ill it could render him), and his red, blotchy, sore-scored facial and cranial skin was a result of eczema.

For years I had treated this man with kid gloves. His "AIDS" never stopped me from hugging him or kissing him lovingly on his cheek, or holding his hand because I knew enough about AIDS to know how it is transmitted.

So, a brilliant talent will continue. A fabulous wit will make me laugh for years and years to come. The stages of Canada will be graced with his superb designs, and a friendship that is blessed will continue. He says that his other friends have never had the guts to ask him this question. This is my first lesson: find the courage to seek the truth. My second lesson: do not ever believe second-hand information, but find out the facts for yourself from the source. The third lesson: embrace those you love no matter what.

Tom has helped me further my career. He hears my joys and sorrows. He leans on me and protects me (he clears my potential dates before they're allowed to take me out), and he makes me laugh. I used to watch people looking at him and feel defensive of him. Now I just feel sad for them because they are passing judgment on someone they don't know.

Because of this, I have made it a policy to not judge others and to never assume there are limitations to anything. Thank you, Tom. The truth will always find its way to the surface.

Pamela Delaney
Writer